The Complete Poems of A R Ammons, Volume 1 Read online

  beads, flameless, racing

  1305around, splitting, dying,

  turning fiber into ash:

  held activity:

  let’s have faith to go

  ahead & see if anything

  1310will happen:

  maybe the tape will run out:

  (looks a long way off:

  Muse! Muse! fiery

  woman, what

  1315you got to tell me?

  tell me:

  I feel weak so

  much tape remains:

  my back’s getting sore:

  1320I don’t sleep good

  with this going on—slept

  pretty good last night:

  woke up once

  into a country of dreams:

  1325wanted to remember them:

  but mostly cloudy was

  too bright, even,

  for them: it was

  a country, I think: great

  1330many people: & no news

  of my book at the pstffce

  again this morn: so I

  don’t feel

  strong about

  1335things: I

  need plenty of help:

  the crusty world

  takes no notice:

  Muse, what must we

  1340do to hit the top:

  it’d better

  be good: give a little,

  will you, please?) (I’m

  bushed:)

  1345but you can do worse

  than be a singer of verses:

  (I’m the biggest

  fool that ever was—

  assertion’s not the

  1350way to the top, you’re

  a little round fool—

  to follow you off into

  these woods: who are you

  anyhow? some kind of a

  1355prickteaser?)

  & so & so & so &

  so & so

  &

  so & so & so & so so

  1360(some kinuva sans merci?)

  lunch: hot dogs and baked

  beans again: swell:

  2/23: 11½¢ a can: cheap:

  hotdogs run you around—

  1365oh let’s see:

  this morning’s coffee &

  a chocolate fudge cookie:

  maybe 30¢ altogether:

  & all

  1370that energy

  turned into verse

  will bring

  you

  about

  1375four condemnations:

  transformations!

  metamorphoses!

  mitochondria!

  hell’s bells!

  1380how my back hurts: even

  by concentrating, I can’t

  feel any presence

  to my balls: missing:

  wd it be masturbatory if

  1385I if I

  touched the area

  briefly

  just to make sure?

  two cool tight weights!

  1390thank you:

  thank you very much:

  if I had a flute: wdn’t

  it be fine

  to see this long thin

  1395poem

  rise out of the waste-

  basket:

  the charmed erection,

  stiffening, uncoiling?

  1400anyways, that wastebasket

  is coiled full: wonder if

  I should stomp

  in it?

  in & out: weaving in &

  1405out: a

  tapestry, looking for all

  the world

  as if it were alive:

  (break we that watch up)

  1410just took a ride out

  to the refuge: 100,000

  birds: mallards, grebes,

  teals, herons, Canada

  geese &

  1415two excellent flyers

  from which there is

  no refuge:

  one, the short-necked,

  long-tailed red hawk: he

  1420browses the marshes &

  for the little bird,

  little bird

  he is carefully looking:

  & way overhead, turning,

  1425the quiet, black

  vulture:

  two avenues flesh

  can take: the tight red

  & the loose dark meat:

  1430red ambulance

  & black hearse,

  brazen reminders: and the

  birds fly among, regarding

  & regardless:

  1435the trash collectors came

  while I was gone &

  took the

  week’s waste away: we

  are purged: even

  1440a house has the incoming &

  outgoing energies

  & losses by which it

  is maintained:

  the garbage truck

  1445says on the back

  “We aim to serve,

  not disturb”:

  sophisticated

  assonance

  1450&&&&&&&

  intellections are

  scaffolds, trellises

  we wish some vine of

  feeling would take to

  1455& possess

  completely:

  spider build

  a circle

  hung in

  1460the squares of: bird

  light on & sing from

  the top of:

  we build them even

  for the windsong’s

  1465tenuous life:

  chance

  a vine will ramble up it

  busting into leaves & roses,

  giving the robin a place

  1470& making all the air

  around

  fragrant: we build these

  structures because we

  have hope, at least:

  1475we’re

  flat & lifeless,

  but these erections,

  they have hollow spaces,

  room: we mean

  1480to change—that is,

  a sprouting is going

  to go on: good, bad, &

  indifferent are gonna

  clutter up all around,

  1485rise through the

  lattices

  of held space

  and sing all

  together, rose,

  1490thorn,

  smear of birdshit:

  gonna rise

  right up out of the

  ground

  1495where the dreams wait

  and be red & gold

  and laughing to beat the

  band:

  intellections are

  1500bowls we hope to fill:

  motions on the

  prowl:

  don’t

  cut them

  1505down or bust them up so

  the water spills

  & the vine hunts

  aimlessly over the ground:

  do

  1510not be impatient with us:

  we’re coming along &

  meantime

  entertain yourselves with

  the dry beauty of our

  1515joists & timbers, slats

  & designs:

  if nothing ever breaks

  into leaf

  still we

  1520meant to encourage

  the vine: we like

  the call of the

  robin & his early visit &

  the color of his hen’s

  1525eggs &

  the way he stands on the

  lawn, erect—

  dressed for a wedding:

  intellections have a use,

  1530don’t think they don’t:

  if the vine couldn’t

  find a natural tree, what

  would become of it? if

  structure without life is

  1535meaningless, so is

  life without structure:

  we’re going to make a

&n
bsp; dense, tangled trellis so

  lovely & complicated that

  1540every kind of variety will

  find a place in it or on

  it: you just be

  surprised: &

  forgive us:

  1545who mean song

  direct & fierce:

  (this day

  ended

  in spite of all

  1550mostly sunny)

  a dark night of stars

  ensuing:

  help me:

  I have this &

  1555no other comfort:

  the song,

  the slight, inner

  unmistakable song you

  give me

  1560and nothing else! what

  are you,

  some kind of strumpet?

  will you pull out on me?

  look: I have faith: I

  1565have faith: come or go:

  I’ll always love you:

  I have nothing else:

  I have

  nothing else besides you:

  1570will you tear me

  to pieces? I’ll go

  on without you, until

  you come again:

  then

  1575in the flare of song

  we’ll make a common flame:

  if it ain’t one fantasy

  it’s anothern: where

  are you, reality?

  1580come out of there:

  you drift around in the

  background, drooping

  like a suckegg dog:

  probably I’d like you

  1585all right

  if I could get up close

  enough to know you:

  are you pieces of things

  not quite fastened?

  1590what’s your face like?

  frowns &

  bitters?

  witchy?

  scrawny?

  1595warty?

  withery?

  maybe I’ve given you a

  horrible mask

  and behind that you’re

  1600beautiful: or

  is this another dream,

  reality’s dream?

  then, is reality to be

  free of fantasies, those

  1605I hang between us,

  those I cast on you?

  fact is, I’m having

  this conversation with a

  piece of paper!

  1610and “you” are a figment

  of imagination and “you”

  have no mask

  & if you did

  no face

  1615wd be behind it:

  all this is just coming

  out of my head:

  the factory of fantasies:

  some beautiful, some

  1620terrifying,

  some this, some that—but

  all, paper & thin air!

  a hundred dragons

  and furies, satyrs &

  1625centaurs—and one

  Muse!

  get food:

  get water:

  get sex:

  1630bank account, nice car,

  good address, retirement

  plan, investment portfolio,

  country-club membership,

  monogrammed shirts, summer

  1635home, cabin cruiser, big

  living room (furnished

  modern)

  Money

  Power

  1640Food

  Water

  Sex—and who needs

  paper conversations,

  words revved up in a

  1645fine motion and a headful

  of dragons?

  reality, I’ve got a feeling

  you can be awful nice! but

  if the only reality

  1650I can get is a spare,

  hard-bought one, why

  turn on the fantasies and

  let there be gorgeousness,

  color & motion,

  1655red & gold fabrics

  and fine illusioning silks!

  the man with bills to pay

  dreams with a Muse!

  reality is

  1660knowing what you want

  and how

  to get it:

  12 DEC:

  clouds came in soon after

  dark last night, and today

  1665broke fact & prophecy

  as snow turning into rain:

  the starlings sit

  like rainsheds,

  vertical in the gray

  1670trees: two jays

  search the ground:

  as

  it neared midnight last

  night, I felt

  1675pulled to go out

  and hunt the roosts of

  birds, flush them & hear

  the shrieks of panic,

  blind beating wings:

  1680I wanted to know

  what birds do at night,

  how they

  handle surprise, of

  weasels, foxes, snakes:

  1685I wanted to know

  if they’re adequate

  to the night:

  I wanted to hear them

  settle down

  1690as I turned away, feel

  the sweet emptiness

  of their panic:

  yesterday at the refuge, I

  saw a fingerling,

  1695crosswise

  in a rising gull’s beak

  shiver at both ends:

  and last night, after

  anger & a family tiff, I

  1700suffered a loss & breakage

  of spirit, blankness

  as of plateaus: my “poem”

  turned to incontinent

  prose, unburned by spirit,

  1705and this occupation

  with a rolled

  strip of paper

  blackened to

  obsession, senseless,

  1710slightly mad: the Muse

  cleared out, leaving an

  empty house:

  but she’s back with me

  today, I think: I hear

  1715a little voice

  singing

  under my brain, and I know

  she’s there,

  modest & faithful:

  1720at the postoffice, no news:

  nothing is out there

  in the world: or it’s

  all turned to concrete:

  I’ve won no battles & lost

  1725none:

  am engaging no

  realities:

  cause enough to stop &

  tear: cause enough

  1730to sleep today, rest my

  back & brain: except

  that song itself

  is enough, needs no

  appeals beyond itself,

  1735tightens fantasy

  into matter

  to outlast

  this day’s real concerns:

  soundless mist,

  1740collecting, sounding

  in the gutterspouts:

  the saliva bed sucking in

  my pipe, the moaning suck

  of a dying bird:

  1745the burry buzz of a

  distant, peripheral plane:

  the yellow, octagonal

  pencil, rocking as I write:

  the air & surface burn

  1750of cars on Tilton Rd—heat

  kicking on & off, baseboard

  cracking, freezer

  wheezing—silence,

  broken by keys:

  1755*

  ***

  *****

  ***

  *

  1760clusters!

  organizations!

  *****

  *****

  *****

  1765shapes!

  )/(/(/)/)/(/(/)/)/(

  designs!

  close suspension of

  cloud: not a break or

  1770beam: the jay

  jumps around in the naked

/>   sumac thicket, squalls,

  complains, stares at a

  head of sumac-seed,

  1775pecks it violently, as

  with contempt: what a

  jar, moist rattle: the

  seed-head comes still

  again, indifferent:

  1780the crown-of-thorns has

  had so little sun, the

  flour-flowered spike,

  opening, is

  pale pink

  1785that in an outside

  summer sun would be

  blood red:

  not much green

  on the walls of

  1790the aquarium: the snails

  are sluggish (!)—

  the sky is like

  neon lighting, a

  ceiling of light

  1795without origin, no

  fierce disc

  radiant, recognizable

  source: equal diffusion:

  and when

  1800the Florentines painted

  radiant populations in

  the heavens, they were

  not wrong:

  each of

  1805us,

  says modern science, is

  radiant,

  tho

  below the

  1810visible spectrum:

  paradise will

  refine our radiance

  or give us better sight:

  we’re fallen

  1815now:

  we may be raised into

  knowledge & light:

  lower would be

  longer & longer wavelengths

  1820to dark’s undisturbed constant:

  may we

  not go there

  but ever & ever up

  singing into shining

  1825light:

  but not too high:

  there’s a zone we

  do best in: beyond

  on either side, we

  1830go by instruments

  and artificial atmospheres:

  a stark way:

  we are, as bodies,

  “localizations”

  1835supported by barriers,

  holding in &

  shutting out:

  systems of

  exclusion, permitting

  1840certain inlets, outlets:

  we are

  “held together”:

  minerals—such as

  calcium—

  1845selected, refined

  & deposited to high

  purities

  give support:

  specialized tissues

  1850bind us to the bones: an

  outer cage

  protects softer organs:

  lovely

  loose mesenteries—

  1855permitting digestion’s