The Complete Poems of A R Ammons, Volume 1 Read online

  said

  755she’s been up there & it

  “gives her a funny feeling”:

  one night I saw

  something come apart

  over Vineland: it

  760streaked in, glowed, &

  slowly tore apart:

  I thought it was a

  satellite

  re-entering:

  765but next day read in the

  papers it was seen from

  Virginia to Connecticut:

  too big to land, as

  I thght it wd

  770in Millville: was no

  small potatoes:

  first there was this blue

  flash:

  here are “motions”

  775that play in and out:

  unifying

  correspondences that

  suggest we can approach

  unity only by the loss

  780of things—

  a loss we’re unwilling

  to take—

  since the gain of unity

  would be a vision

  785of something in the

  continuum of nothingness:

  we already have things:

  why fool around:

  beer, milk,

  790mushroom cream sauce,

  eggs, books, bags,

  telephones & rugs:

  pleasure to perceive

  correspondences, facts

  795that experience is

  holding together, that

  what mind grew out of

  is also holding together:

  otherwise? how could we

  800perceive similarities?

  but all

  the way to unity is

  too far off: we have

  a place:

  805at dusk a deep blue

  sweeping smooth

  cloud mass went just

  between us

  and the ocean:

  810but the night is

  clear and full of stars:

  10 DEC:

  sunshine & shade

  alternate at 32: winter

  seems about to, but hasn’t

  815quite decided how to

  happen:

  (ideas give direction

  but sometimes the wrong . . .)

  when the first

  820horizontal haze of

  sunlight struck the sumac

  thicket this morning,

  bluejay flew in

  and sat on an outside

  825limb, his

  appreciation, meditative

  but imperfect, troubled

  by starlings:

  no place to stop:

  830the pure moment

  self-centered & posed:

  I heard of a little girl

  who wrote not

  “poems,” but

  835“feelings”—some tissue

  resulting from

  things & feelings

  at interplay:

  to make a world

  840we need out of the reality

  that is

  and is indifferent:

  but play

  removing us—we must be

  845careful—a point away

  from reality, though

  an uncreated, unspecific

  reality—that is, in a

  sense, no reality at all:

  850what is out there? beyond

  the touch of what

  we make?

  whatever,

  stars shine through it

  855& bring us up

  short:

  we make a context

  that lets us out, permits

  fullest life: we must

  860care for ourselves,

  assume that, beyond,

  we are cared for:

  rely on feeling—

  till it goes too far:

  865then

  on sweet reason which

  recalls, restores, and

  levels off: we must all

  die, it’s quite

  870remarkable—

  nevertheless, true:

  but breakfast, and getting

  off to school & work, and

  what color to paint the

  875second bedroom is

  meaningful: it’s

  no

  great

  joy to me

  880that I plunge deeply

  (I think) into things:

  eternal

  significance is of some

  significance to me: I

  885don’t know just how: but

  temporal significance is

  a world I can partly make,

  loss & gain:

  the social order obtains

  890identity

  at the cost of certain

  exclusions: unity

  by the elimination of

  difference: the pleasure

  895of the order is shared by

  many, but the cost

  falls on a few: should

  the many

  be denied to relieve

  900the suffering of the few?

  should the few pay

  and not enjoy?

  if it’s the few

  who, alive to suffering,

  905advance the mind, do they

  have their reward? and

  the callous many? is

  smugness the cost of their

  pleasure?

  910motions of

  society & psyche: what’s

  to be done?

  ever been done?

  greater tolerance of random

  915without obliterating

  identity?

  relieve the suffering of

  the few & enrich the

  many with difference?

  920if the oppressed are

  freed, will they become

  callous

  and unfruitful?

  will you have the secure

  925few and the oppressed

  many?

  is freedom

  identity without

  identity?

  930who’s not working, slashing,

  sweating, devising,

  cheating to

  surpass the many and

  rise into

  935the Few: (only a few

  who pride

  themselves on being the

  Bottom Few?): is the

  fight for the Top

  940the true mystique? first dibs

  on food & sex:

  I know you,

  man:

  am grateful to the

  945order, however imperfect,

  that restrains you,

  fierce, avaricious: the

  Top: Olympus,

  the White House, the Register:

  950many lesser peaks in the

  range: choose one and

  fight:

  that’s equality: if

  inequality, must

  955be a few hills even

  there:

  what’s the way home?

  home?

  what’s wrong with these

  960deserts, excitements, shows:

  excursions:

  home is every minute,

  occurring? just like this?

  man, you’re sweet &

  965gentle to

  those who are

  no

  threat to your

  mt

  970but are

  evidences that

  you occupy one:

  I have your #: it’s

  me first after you:

  975Odysseus screwed a lot but

  never got screwed: or

  if he did, he screwed back

  harder, first

  chance he got: he never

  980“took nothing lying down”:

  my song’s now

  long enough to screw a

  right good-sized article

  with:

  985flexible to vault me

/>   to the Top:

  I hope it will lift me into

  your affections:

  that’s what I need:

  990the top I’ve chosen,

  the mt I wd climb:

  the nest I’ve pro-

  vided

  for this

  995song to wind into is

  the wastebasket: that’s

  symbolic: the roll, tho,

  unwinds from the

  glazed bottom of an

  1000ashtray: I don’t

  know what to make

  of that:

  phoenix?

  why always

  1005make something out of

  everything?

  maybe this song

  will be about getting

  home

  1010and figuring out some

  excuse to leave again:

  that wd be gd bth cmng &

  gng:

  the clouds, continuous,

  1015are creased with light

  between furrows: like a

  forehead, opposite with

  shadow:

  just sat down

  1020to smoke, and the sun cast

  my hand against the

  wall, and my cigarette,

  plus the lively shadow of

  cigarette smoke:

  1025that vast, immediate, hot

  body

  touching me:

  the sustaining

  chemistries that

  1030separate it from me:

  plankton, grass, pears,

  apples, cows: steaks

  holding heat,

  the vessels of heat;

  1035lambchops, chickenwings,

  green peas, mushrooms,

  cornflakes, coffee, pecans,

  storers & storages of

  heat: the warmth

  1040on my hand,

  inside my hand: I

  wonder

  I don’t

  think about it more often:

  1045transfigurations, touch:

  touches

  everything and leaves a

  shadow: kelp & birds &

  pebbles even & each

  1050individual blade of grass

  & outhouses & mountains &

  dead trees: even clear

  water, toward the bottom,

  accumulates some shadow:

  1055intimate,

  necessary

  & hardly ever

  mentioned: often

  complained of, “the

  1060sun’s in my eyes”:

  this burning while imprtnt

  theories are discussed &

  business goes forward:

  “goods were shipped

  1065last Thurs via PP”

  ASAP, CIF, & FAS: & the

  lemon industry:

  the sun, riding a moment-

  to-moment crest: I

  1070hope it will keep on

  riding: it’s not a

  fixture:

  noticed how

  some nights the stars

  1075are raw & brand new?

  make you feel

  slightly

  uneasy?

  it’s the size

  1080& distance

  unwinds you,

  pulls you out

  attenuating you

  into

  1085nothingness

  till you grasp

  around

  at star-straws:

  anybody doesn’t believe in

  1090reality should

  try to start a dead car

  on a 10-degree

  morning:

  maximum definition of

  1095detail along

  with

  assumptions of symmetry:

  I feel ideas—as forms of

  beauty: I describe

  1100the form as

  you describe a pear’s

  shape:

  not idea as ideal—

  ideas are human products,

  1105temporal & full of

  process:

  but

  idea as perception of form,

  outside form that

  1110corresponds

  to inner form, & inner to

  outer:

  (chaos at the bottom of

  things & mind: only ideas

  1115lift up from

  there: only

  groupings, saliences

  of similarity &

  difference, only

  1120clustering rises into

  intelligence—instinct

  itself an ordering,

  overcoming great odds:)

  a few flies are still

  1125hanging around

  the front porch:

  they’re big blue:

  when the door opens

  they stir

  1130in the sun:

  they remember or

  still have the scent

  of the cat that was

  rotting behind my

  1135blue spruce: it’s

  been below freezing

  I don’t know how many

  nights: I thought that

  was supposed to lay them

  1140but it ain’t laid’em

  yit:

  looks like it ain’t

  agonna: we can

  know only so much & even

  1145explanations

  that hang round long as

  flies

  have a way of going off:

  one of these days

  1150a snow’s crusty freeze

  will draw’em a line

  fiercer

  than cat scent:

  catch them

  1155napping at night

  under leaves: turn

  into some nap: long,

  rich, bluegreen

  dreams:

  1160beautiful, healthy-

  looking flies, ate good,

  long as the cat lasted:

  had their day in

  the sunny nooks

  1165with lovely buzzes:

  11 DEC:

  they changed the forecast

  today from

  partly sunny to

  mostly cloudy: not by

  1170prophecy:

  stuck their

  heads out the window &

  tho the instruments

  didn’t agree reduced

  1175the gap between

  prophecy & existent fact:

  the direct

  yields abundance, while

  calculation

  1180drags upon the event:

  I beg that my eyes that are

  open

  be opened, that the

  drives, motions,

  1185intellections, symbologies,

  myths—lift,

  expose me

  to direct

  sight: seeing, I

  1190color, alter, hide, accent:

  but what is there, naked

  & nonhuman?

  or here, deep &

  terrifyingly human?

  1195are we confined in an atom

  with fiery nucleus? is

  there too much room,

  the ego under threat of

  dispersion?

  1200you—who are you? how do

  I feel about you?

  do I hate it that I love

  to be tied to you by love?

  untied, wd I be free

  1205or lost?

  but for

  your own sake: who

  are you?

  can I help? is there any

  1210thing I can do:

  are things

  working out

  all right for you? what

  are those black areas?

  1215are they parts

  of you that can’t

  fall into place,

  come into light?

  are they longings &

  1220fears only dreams whisper?

  I love you the best />
  I know how:

  encounter me with

  belief:

  1225are you getting yours?

  getting & giving

  yours, mine, & ours,

  are we resolving most of

  the areas, are we touching

  1230on elation

  enough?

  do I love you mostly, or

  the thought of us

  together?

  1235are you hoping that

  giving will make up for

  not getting? that wd

  be the course of saints:

  get, too: get it

  1240from me: I have it

  and having

  it for you, I get mine:

  who are you, deeper?

  have I sounded you? was

  1245that

  bottom I struck? but oh

  up in the heart & around

  your breasts

  and to speak of the deep

  1250in your eyes, have

  I come into your

  measure? are

  you getting yours? have

  you been had?

  1255you’ve had me: I float:

  every cell

  comes to this:

  you are

  beautiful: you are

  1260just beautiful:

  beautiful: thank you:

  11:16 a.m: a blur of light

  just came into

  the room,

  1265lived a few seconds, then

  died away:

  my crown-of-thorns,

  waiting, got the benefit,

  struck across the middle:

  1270the instruments were

  right in a way:

  emphasis distinguishes

  partly sunny from mostly

  cloudy: if it don’t

  1275snow it’s gonna miss

  a good chancet: I’ll

  say that:

  lagging behind the event:

  running to catch up: to

  1280be at the

  crest’s break, the

  running crest,

  event becoming word:

  anti-art & non-classical:

  1285in art, we do not run

  to keep up with random

  moments, we select

  & create

  the moment

  1290occurring forever:

  timelessness held

  at the peak of time:

  (just went to take a leak:

  jay on the back lawn,

  1295hopping, looking around,

  turning leaves)

  but this may turn back on

  itself, motion by motion,

  a continuum, held in

  1300timelessness

  racing with time,,,,like

  a napkin

  burnt in the ashtray, red